Empty
Enveloped in a warmth
Slipping into a vast sea
I’m afraid of the depth of its shadows,
My toes strain for the sand far below its surface
While my eyes search upwards
Watching the sun shrink away.
An aroma not my own
Escapes from a kind gesture,
Seeping into my core it burns
And as it brushes against vacant spaces
I am reminded of the empty jacket on my shoulders.
I think it still applies to me these days. I don't know if you can tell what it is about, but the meaning is very close to my heart and is part of something that I fight every day. I don't want to punish innocent, maybe even good intentioned, people because of what others have done to me in the past. I don't want to be one of those girls who takes someone's heart with the intention of crushing it into a million pieces. The potential is there, I can feel the darkness burning away inside of me, lashing out at moments when I don't expect it. I've seen what revenge does to people. I've seen how the darkness can spread to a hundred, maybe even thousands of people from a single source. I know what it looks like when someone is falling into the trap, and I know what it felt like when it happened to me, repeatedly. I wouldn't call myself a tease, like most people I've had my fair share of flings, but at least then I paid out, some times more than others. Still, I could be. it would be so easy, I would know exactly how to do it. Why do I know how, I wonder? I assume it comes mostly from the stories I've heard from my brother. Having a skilled (and let's just say instinct-driven) heart-breaker in the family has at least allowed me to understand, and understand well, some of the worst potential of the mannish mind. At least he's never raped someone, I don't even want to be let in on the mechanics of those sorts of freaks. I've been told a million times before that all guys want is sex, sex, sex. Certainly, I've seen and heard plenty of things that would support that statement. Of course, I don't really know what guys think, but its pretty hard to argue when guys tell u that themselves. If it's true, then that's a pretty fucking depressing future. I have nothing against sex itself, but for that to be all there is, all I'm valued for, it makes me wonder why I would care at all. Give them what they want if they want it, but at least get something out of it. This is not going to be one of those blogs with a nice little ending conclusion that makes me feel like I've actually solved something. And it'll probably make you think I'm a masochistic monster. But I live in a world full of rapists, kidnappers, people who will put drugs in my drink, and people who will pick me up just to watch me fall. It frightens me. What they're after I can't just throw at them and run away like money or power, it's just me. I feel like, in order to protect myself, I always have to be one step ahead, always suspicious of intentions and distrustful of kindness. I feel like I should put a wall around myself, and block out anyone trying to pry beneath my superficial shell. Marilyn Monroe once said, "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." This advice has been working out fairly well for me for the last several months. I don't open up and I don't get hurt. Still, and this is what just kills me, I can't help but wish for something better. I can't help worrying that one day I'll block out someone who really is genuine and who really does care, but who blends in with all the other liars, fakes, and perverts. I want to protect myself but I don't want to alienate those worth trusting. I don't need someone to be happy, but I also don't want to be alone forever. I wish I could know that it's worth picking myself up and trying over and over again. I wish I could know that some guys are different and that some guys actually want me to be happy. But every time I think I might be close to some kind of answer, I look at my scar and remember, the only person you can rely on is yourself.
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Most of any of my comments I make in the future will not be so long, but this post and the one above it is important. You are saying/asking certain things in them. I don't know what your poem is about. It is painful, it isn't a good feeling thats all I know...I am lost on the words potential and revenge, those are very deep words. What happened....
ReplyDeleteI really have to nip this whole guy sex thing. I don't want you to get the wrong concept and keep it. It isn't true that sex is all guys want. As much as the world of men wants your
body, not money or power but you/your body, that isn't what its all about. Being a man is to live the life of an animal and to learn to be human in spite of that. This animal side really hurts. When I was 12-20 every other thought was sexual, the rest were violent. I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. My body was in physical pain if I didn't get off. You are having to deal with this bullshit right now in your stage of life. A lot of the guys your age have problems controlling themselves because they have rockets strapped to their emotions. It levels off after a while. I'm having dejavu so bad right now...Our (dudes) bodies show the evidence of our past. We are larger and more combative for a reason. The world used to be more violent and cruel. Some just can't get out of this old way of thinking. Sounds like your older brother has helped you view us this way. Let me be his antithesis.
You are extremely beautiful. I never thought about it the way you put it, but the world
really is a dangerous place for you. Good Marilyn Monroe quote. Don't lose your teeth. My
gift tells me :) that you will only get better looking. Stay suspicious, but let there be wiggle room for a bit of trust:). Give only the best of us a chance by being human to us, and you will be surprised by our capacity to be humane back.
Ever heard of the quote "Dance like no one is watching and love like you have never been hurt"? So cliche. Every relationship I have ever had has just gone to shit and melted in my hands regardless of how much of myself I put into it. I am older now and am really starting to worry if I will find someone to be HAPPY with (not just with). The way the past has been, I might not get to have that particular future. I can't give up and start thinking all women are crazy bitches though, just like you can't give up and think that all men are sexual deviants :).